In the 1980’s some of us were introduced to wax faced Canadian Alan Thicke and his television family; the Seavers. The Seavers’ and their Growing Pains (Yack!) were 30 non-threatening minutes of life lessons in sweater vests also staring born again Christian moppet Kirk Cameron. (A guy so douche-y that when he found out the actress who played his girlfriend posed for Playboy (Julie McCullough) he insisted she be fired.)
Every show, although I can’t ever remember sitting through even one episode, can be summed up thusly; Cameron, in the ubiquitous Ferris Bueller schematic, played lovable scamp Mike Seaver. A schemer who got into shenanigans whilst wearing acid wash jeans with pleats in them and high top Reebox. He also had a permed mullet so it was like, 1 gaylord – 2 haircuts.
Thicke as the stay at home dad (I think he ran a puppy mill) seemed to be in charge of Mike Seavers' morality tale. There was also a Mom, relatively hot in a model in a flyer sort of way who always wore pants and I don't think was ever home.
There was a middle sister who threw up a lot and an ugly younger brother. Then all of a sudden Leonardo DiCaprio showed up and a they also seemed to have a 5 year old daughter that looked like neither of them. Culturally speaking its significance although a notch below Riccola commercials is still a notch above After M*A*S*H.
For reasons I don’t really want to get into I was stuck in a surprisingly long line-up at Kentucky Fried Chicken recently. I mean I was there 35 minutes and the fact that I was picking up food for someone else made it feel like 35 more. Did I mention that the air conditioner was broken? Yeah. The stink of grease, chicken fat and armpit was astounding. A hot stink like a Dutch Oven, it was as terrible as steel pan music.
At some point the theme song to Growing Pains became stuck in my head. How is entered my mind is lost to the ages, why it did, is perhaps a question best left to a Doctor of some sort, yet over and over it played, show me that smile again, like an evil mantra, don’t waste another minute on your crying and what bothered me as the song played over and over, we’re nowhere near the end, was that I never watched this show, and yet somehow, I knew all the words, the best is ready to begin.
What really bothers me is this: is the memory used to remember that song and its lyrics taking the place of how to do fractions or who discovered sodium? Cos I sure as hell don’t know how to do fractions let alone that other fucking thing I mentioned.
The theme song sounds David Foster-ish and on the saccharine scale I would rate it about a Lionel Ritchie. It is not sung by Alan Thicke as is widely believed but by the mercurial BJ Thomas.
Hearing the song over and over as I did in that sweltering chicken shack, people all around me showing far too much feet, the lyrics began corresponding with the Leafs in many ways. Now admittedly this sounds kinda creepy and to my defense I might be completely making this up as I go along.
As long as we got each other we got the world spinnin right in our hands
Okay it’s a bit of a stretch but I get it.
Baby you and me we gotta be the luckiest dreamers who never quit dreamin’
How many of us are the post-67 Generation, huh? If we're not dreamers than I don't know who is.
As long as we keep on givin we can take anything that comes our way
That’s a Leaf fan if ever I’ve heard one, I mean Jonas Hoglund?
...as Sittler replaced Keon and Vaive replaced Sittler and Ramage replaced Vaive and Clarke replaced Ramage and Gilmour replaced Clark and Sundin replaced Gilmour and
Baby, rain or shine, all the time, we got each other sharing the laughter and love